Pride?

Today was Cleveland Gay Pride and well it was another year I couldn't go.  My nephew's birthday party was today and while it has been forty-two years since the Stonewall Riots I find it a little hard to feel "proud" if you will, give me time to explain.  I do realize that New York did pass on Friday the right for same sex marriage and that in itself is a huge step but is it enough?  My brother's girlfriend introduced Jim and I today to her mother, and let me tell you things were not the same after that!  She introduced Jim as my boyfriend, which is no problem for me but apparently it changed how she saw us.  It was tense after that, it was like an eight hundred pound neon pink elephant in the room in a neon pink glitter tutu, hand on his screaming while lisping--"Girlfriend here I am, deal with it" that no one wanted to admit to.

Now I don't really think that I am a big screaming queen, but honey I can be if I want to be, and well here lately I have not even been in the mood to deal with tension like there was today.  Well kids I will admit I did something I never hardly ever do and that was to simply----stay quiet, I had hardly anything to say at all.  Kids, that is NOT me in any way shape or form!  It has made me uncomfortable since then.  Why did I do that?  It is her problem and not mine, right?  Maybe I am making this into something it wasn't  This shouldn't matter right?

Well for me Pride weekend has always been a marking that I am close to surviving another year with AIDS and the last few it has not even been that. It seems like I am just surviving and nothing more.  Sad, huh sorta pathetic too now that I think about it?  Somehow I feel like I have lost the guy I thought I was upbeat, fun, witty, charming, campy, bitchy at times, your best girlfriend a real raconteur if you will.  Now I am the guy that clams up, the quiet little wall flower how did this happen?

Maybe I didn't have anything to say?  Maybe I was unnerved?  Maybe I realized I made her uncomfortable?  Maybe I was the first gay she ever met?  Who the hell really knows?  Maybe my sense of not feeling real proud is I don't really feel like I have done all that much to be proud about here lately.  Like I said it seems just like existing.  I know there are things to feel proud about but it all seems so long ago. How do I change that? Do I write more about it?  Am I not the only one going through this?  I am sure this is why I checked into some short term therapy this week.

Is this emotional bareness going to get worse as I get closer to July 16th and my 20th anniversary of living with AIDS?  Is it because the toll of AIDS is catching up emotionally?  I am I making to much out of this 20th anniversary?  Have I lost to much because of AIDS?  How can I live a life so much more full to make up for all of the loss?  Can I even do that?  Do I expect to much?  Are my goals to high? Why can't I seem to settle for what I have instead of trying to reachsomething that always seems out of reach?  Pride weekend has never been like this and I for one just really need to feel proud again.